This is one of those posts where I share an experience and ask the questions without really giving much in the way of answers.
I was at church tonight, (imagine youngish adults sitting in a large circle), when we were discussing Matthew 18 and forgiveness. I was intrigued, Jordan had pointed out how the parable related to the conversation right before and how the meaning is found by considering the two parts together, that it doesn’t matter what someone else does to us or how many times they sin, we still need to forgive them because God has already forgiven us so much more.
Then at one point during the discussion, we got onto a side path of theology talking about the controversy between once saved, always saved or that you can loose your salvation if you turn away. We were struggling with this when two of the guys starting going back and forth with each other, each talking over the person in louder and louder voices, not stopping to listen to what the other had to say. I jumped in and asked them to stop talking for one minute and cool down. Immediately, one of the guys, who generally takes up a lot of space in a room, jumps in to continue the argument when the pastor, Jordan, interrupts him and says, “Wait, Sarah asked you to be quiet.” Jordan affirmed my power and decision to stop the conversation. He shared his power with me. This took me by surprise more than anything else. The guy in question didn’t say anything else for the rest of the discussion. The guy he had been arguing with joined in at times but didn’t say a lot. Other people shared their opinions and the talk went on, it was a really good time.
The guy who didn’t say anything else left the room shortly before the discussion ended and I didn’t see him for the rest of the time. Before we started the music, the one who had still talked a little told us he felt like an idiot for raising his voice like that, asked for our forgiveness, and shared with us how in his family, raising your voice above the other person’s is how to get heard. Before he picked up his guitar for the closing song, I leaned over to him and told him I didn’t think he was an idiot nor did I think there was anything to forgive.
My reflections: I now would have rather asked them, instead of being quiet for a moment and calming down, to really listen to one another and speak one at a time. I would have encouraged their voices as well, not only asking them to be quiet for a moment. What I don’t think they understood, was I only wanted them to be quiet for a moment and then they could resume the conversation, not quit it all together.
I also think that perhaps they were doing something wrong by not respecting other people’s voices and perhaps forgiveness was needed for him to feel an accepted part of the group again. What I find very interesting, is they both took being reigned back in very personally, as if I just cut their self-esteem to zero or worse. When I stopped them from arguing like that, I wasn’t thinking less of their value, it was simply an inappropriate way to discuss the issue. An observation, not a value statement. Remember that post? It was an excellent reminder to me that many of those who appear to have the toughest skin, actually can be wounded quite easily without me having meant to do it.
So that is what happened. I am hoping Jordan got to talk afterwards with the one who left. I am going to try to talk to them each within the next week. If anything, I need to talk with Jordan about what happened to help me process it and I want to reconnect with the quiet one. It will be good practice to put what we JUST talked about concerning reconcilliation into practice.
After reading MaryKate Morse’s book, Making Room for Leadership: Power, Space and Influence, tonight was particularly interesting in experiencing what she talked about after being made more aware of the space and influence in group dynamics. Thanks MaryKate!
365-09 #248